a self proclaimed narcissist|
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|Sunday, January 18th, 2015|
My Mad Fat Diary.
Oh man, what a show. I’m crying right now. I’ve never had so much anxiety about scenes or care so much for a character. I hella identify with her. Like HELLA. I was also a big girl, with issues, anxiety about wanting to fit in and a had best friend who was beautiful. While I didn’t take medication or get diagnosed with anything, I did hurt myself and went to therapy a few times as a child.
The last episode where Rae and Kester are talking about how Rae needs to like herself and she doesn’t know how. When he asks her the age she still felt good about her self… 10 years old. To say to her 10 year old self she is fat, ugly, and stupid but she refuses to because who would say that to a young girl let alone their 10 year old self.
Oh god… I cried. I’ve been doing that. I still do that, and I read stuff about loving yourself and be kinder to self and it seems to soak in for a bit… but the negative self talk seeps in again.
I know it’s something we all do, but there are degrees of severity.
I remember hearing a way to be nicer to ones self. Know that when you talk to a younger girl, be it a niece, daughter, sister, when you give a compliment to them, it is genuine and you’re protective of her and you want all the best for her. But why don’t we do that to ourselves? Why do we doubt compliments from others? That we don’t trust their views of ourselves, but we’re genuine and caring when it comes to talking to them? So that point seeped in for me a bit… but to think of talking to my 8 year old self, to say the same things to now self that I would say to younger self… KABLAM!
Goddamn this show is exhausting. But so good. I WISH this show had been around when I was in high school, hell… junior high even. UGH… so fucking good. And now I have to wait forever for what… 6 more episodes? 8 if I’m lucky. I kinda despise The English way of sporadic release of new seasons and the hella short amount of episodes in a season. But I’m biased, I’m still bitter about only 2 seasons of Spaced. But… Then again I still have Red Dwarf I can catch up on… Give my brain, emotions, and heart a break for a bit before I re-watch the season with Trish.
|Wednesday, October 8th, 2014|
I can't log in to facebook, Myspace, or Tumblr, but I can log into good ol Livejournal at work. ONTD posts quite a bit, I wonder how many other communities are still posting. Time to find out.
|Sunday, November 6th, 2011|
|No words, just pictures. This quiz is for YOU my friends :)
to see what inspired this.
Don't use words to answer these questions, instead get your camera/celly and POSE your answers. Have fun, and let me see your pretty/handsome faces.
I wrote these questions in hopes the pics would be amusing to see and whatnot. I don't care if you reply here or post on your own journal/link to a facebook photo album/upload to tinypic.com /etc.
DO IT... please? Remember NO WORDS. Don't explain what you're doing unless someone specifically asks. Thanks!
1. You meet someone you're attracted to, what do you do/how do you act?
2. What's your favorite color
3. You just woke up, what do you look like/what do you do?
4. What was your favorite toy as a child
5. When you were a kid you wanted to be a ________ when you grew up
6. Are you a ________ now that you're a grown up?
7. Grab something near by and do something artsy fartsy or a funny pose with it
8. Jam to your favorite song
9. Do you like Jersey Shore?
10. A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bartender here?"
|Sunday, July 31st, 2011|
Just had a horrible dream where I was jealous.
I was walking around a college/school. I am going to the cafeteria to meet Trish for lunch. I see her talking with Karis. and I flash back and say that's so weird because I just saw Kelly at Wal-Mart. I walk up and give her a hug from behind and they are talking about going to McHugh Creek, which in my brain they both know I LOVE that place(I really do). Karis see's my expression and she says something along the lines "Oh my god, I'm sorry. Trish we don't have to do this. Bonnie I'm so sorry I don't want to make you jealous."
Me "Uhh no that's fine if you go"
Trish " Are you sure babe? We don't have to go"
Me "You know me I don't get jealous"
They start to talk about how awesome the trip to McHugh creek is going to be. I'm kinda sitting back there not jealous that they are going together and but jealous they're not inviting me since I LOVE that place. My mind is racing with stupid thoughts like "Omg I can't believe they're not inviting me. They know I love that place. Hello! I want to go! Trish why aren't you asking your girlfriend to come with you? Karis, why aren't you asking the girlfriend of the person you're going with to come with you? Fuuuuu"
And then I wake up with my heart racing and the dream feeling of being pissed off transfers to awake. So fucking weird.
I rarely ever remember my dreams, and it sucks that it's a messed up one. I love Trish and I love Karis. I would like to think I would actually speak up if that situation happened in real life. At least with those 2. I do have a bad habit of not wanting to invite myself when I know people would love my company. I see all these posts on facebook of all these wonderful adventures my friends are taking, and I sit and sulk and pout "Why didn't they invite me?". I know why. It's because they've invited me to multiple things and I, feeling antisocial, always said no in the past. It's no ones fault that they can't read my mind for the 3% of the time I want to hang out. My therapist told me I have to call up some of my friends and ask them to hang out. I have yet to follow up on it. The last time I did actually reach out to people I ended up flaking. Because... SURVEY SAYS... I was feeling anti-social when the time came to meet up with them.
Anymore. On another note for those that don't have facebook, Trish got me a puppy for my birthday! :D I have been looking online for a dog to adopt for well over a year now. Her name is Coyote. Due to her looking like one or 2 types of coyote, except with floppy ears. She's about 4 months. I got her from Alaska Dog and Puppy rescue. I was cruising craigslist and saw a picture of her and her brother and instantly fell in love. The foster mom posted the ad before they were even posted on the ADPR website, and before they got spayed/neutered. Yay for that because I have a feeling they wouldn't have lasted long on there. Anymore, I was admittedly more so with the brother since he was scruffy black with brownish highlights around his face. We met them in person the following day. And woo buddy they were even cuter in person. The only downside to Coyote was that she was very submissive/scared of Rugby. And who wouldn't be intimidated by a 80lbs boxer? especially as a puppy. She's slowly learning that he's just a big ol dork now... a loveable dork though :)
She's doing well. She's a little growly whenever Rugby comes near her. Specifically when she has a bone or near "her" bed(previously Rugby's but she doesn't know that) We're doing our best to break her of that. I'll be bringing her to older puppy classes next paycheck. It will be good for her to socialize and good for me to learn formal training since I've never done it. She's learning by proxy by watching Rugby though, that's good as far as "sit" and hopefully she'll learn from him how to let us know she has to go outside. Hopefully she won't learn his bad habits :P
Here's some pics of her. https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.1744828424923.98533.1365121981&l=4a56ac9bd6&type=1
It was a album dedicated to Rugby, but now it's shared. Her pics are at the bottom. Hopefully you shouldn't have to log in to view them if you don't have facebook.
Anymore, time to finally get up and get the day started. :)
|Thursday, June 16th, 2011|
I always feel like whenever I make a pot of coffee at work that my co-workers secretly judge me on how well I proportioned coffee to water ratio.
Did I make it too strong? Did I make it too weak? God forbid someone get coffee grinds in their coffee.
It’s shitty free coffee, no one can really complain.
I only judge if I get coffee grinds floating in my boiled brown beverage caffeine cup.
I just read that Troy Duffy is thinking about making a Boondock Saints tv show, and I want to hit on the head with a stuffed cat. No, just no. Most people love the 1st movie, half to less than half think the 2nd movie is barely passable as good. 2nd movie is quite nearly a re-make of the first one with actors trying to fill gigantic shoes of Smecker and Rocko.
Troy, you're going to leave a shitty taste in everyone's mouth just like The Matrix trilogies, Jurassic Park, or any horror movie that outstayed their welcome with parts 3-15.
|Wednesday, May 18th, 2011|
A quiet guy is not necessarily unfunny. Think of Charlie Chaplin. The space shuttle soars through space. But most of the time it’s parked. Maybe on a launch pad. It is still the space shuttle. You can’t dis it because it’s resting. I’m on my launch pad. Soon the countdown will begin.
Mitch Hedberg's widow relaunched the website. I found the above quote and saw myself in it. I'm a quiet person, but I have my rare funny moments. Just ask the 3 people I've hung out with one on one or... the people I socialize with when drunk.
I don't do well with big groups. I tend to sit back and listen to what everyone else is saying. While I am in the backgroud, my mind is still going and trying to think of what to bring to the conversation. I just tend to find what others have to say much more interesting.
Anymore, when it comes to group convo I tend to not speak up due to the fact that someone has already voiced what I was going to say, or I just have nothing to relate to the convo.
I have this tendancy to think that my life is boring compared to the majority of the people I interact with. I'd much rather hear about their exciting life than babble about mine. I've never travelled outside of America/gone to Hawaii, never been bungee jumping, gone to college, had a really nice/high paying job, had kids(never will either), met/hung out with famous celebrities, etc.
I know my life isn't incredibly horribly boring. But when I think about everyday life, it's hard for me to think of my day to day routine as something to talk about. Well minus the fact that I share tidbits on facebook...
Anymore, parts that make me ; being adopted, native by blood but not in culture, living in Alaska, loving my girlfriend, working in behavioral health, having some knowledge/know how about electricity/painting, engaged in the past but my fiance died, my heart-maze tattoo, etc etc
If I were to hear about those type of things from someone else I'd want to listen. Differences make us so intrigued about others. I'm not different from me, so I'm boring y'know?
Knowing I was adopted at a young age(kind of a giveaway that my family was white and I was... not) it's just what I've always known. They are my family, I wasn't born to them, but they're mine.
Living in Alaska isn't boring, I freaking love it here. I love my tattoo, but I'm not aware of it anymore till someone brings it up.
I love Trish. Most of my friends are gay, and since I'm pretty de-sensitized to girls kissing girls or boys kissing boys, I forget that that's not how the majority of the community lives. Trish and I will be in the store holding hands and kiss every once in awhile. I'll be in our own little world, rarely noticing the stares or looks people send our way.
What was my point again? hmmm.
While I don't socialize much, people still like me. Yay! The "I'm boring" thoughts tend to wonder why people do. I know I'm a fantabulous listener, will be there for someone in troubling times to lend a hand, and funny on rare occations. But those times are few and far between. Sparsely sprinkled throughout long spans of time. So I'm thinking maybe that's why. It's like a few l.e.d. lights down a long hallway. They stand out and look pretty bright due to them being so far away from eachother.I'm like a candle in a dark room that seems pretty outstanding, but is outshined in a room full of bright lights and flashy thingys(talkative/extroverted peeps).
While I do sometimes wish I could be more social, I've come to terms with my shyness. People like me for me, whether I'm quiet shy candle, or the one on one me/party drunk me that is hyper, dancing, laughing, being really dorky, playing with bubbles or silly string.
So what I'm really trying to say is "I'm a spaceship"
|Saturday, February 19th, 2011|
This is possibly one of the reasons why I opted for just novocain when I had my wisdom teeth taken out. That loss of reality is a bit scary to me. I can't even handle weed. First time I smoked pot I liked the first 5 min. It was vaguely amusing. It felt like my brain was 5 inches above my head, and I was giggling about it made sense that people would call it "getting high". Then my senses starting to get overloaded. I already have a pretty good hearing, having that amplified and my boyfriend at the time talking to me and touching me trying to calm me down was too much. Then it felt like my brain was receiving all information 1/2 a second later than it should. That sucked for me, and then to top it off I puked. Do you know how horrible it is to throw up in slow motion? It fucking sucks. 2nd time I was at a party and pretty much the same thing happened minus the puking.
I had talked to Trish about how I opted for just novocain, and she kind of laughed at me saying it's in a controlled area, it's administered by medical staff, etc. Which yeah I understand, still not for me. If my dentist highly recommends that I use laughing gas then I'll highly consider it. Till then no thank you.
Anymore, Trish is out north somewhere in a cabin. She will be riding snowmachines tomorrow. So I'm home alone just chillin, surfing loads of the internets for amusing things. The following of which I've already posted on facebook :)http://www.zubbles.com/
They finally made them available to buy! WANT!
www.helpnathanbuyfirefly.com Captain Mal wants to buy the rights to Firefly and bring about season 2. I'm all for that.
Some badass kiddos. I'm way too jealous of their dance skills. 1st kid is pretty damn good, but 2nd and 3rd kids blew my mind. KABLAM!
I'm admittedly near obsessed with this new band, Heathers is a acoustic duo. Did I mention they are twins from Ireland. I'm so not lesbian enough to be a fanatic of folky stuff, but Heathers is kickass. I love the fact that they both sing most of the time, and their voices and harmonies are just so interesting to my ears. I highly recommend you peep out Heathers - Waiter somewhere on youtube to find out what I'm raving about :)
I had been watching Modern Marvels earlier and found out that in medieval times they threw their sewage waste into the moats... just ew. That would definitely stop me from swimming through it.
And biggest news before the ljmass of words, I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow :D It will be in the center of my chest and the top curve of the heart will be right under where my dermal piercings were. ( words upon wordsCollapse )
|Wednesday, January 26th, 2011|
Due to Facebook and the quasi constant mini-updates, it has depleted my want to long blog. That and my moods haven't been stellar, so I didn't feel the need to post my blaaahhhhhness everywhere. Will most likely be inspired to write stuff though, things will be happening in Feb and I know there will be things to post :)
Anymore, looks like only 2 peeps have posted in the past 2 months, or I am blocked from peeping out journals. Should you feel the want to keep in touch with me, I do have a facebook. http://www.facebook.com/cinnabonbon
If you understandably resist facebooking, I am going to make an effort to check up on here more often.
|Monday, February 22nd, 2010|
So I lost my celly, and some dude at the party took it upon himself to pick it up. He answered it once and said he was in Chugiak and that he'll bring it back into town since he comes here all the time. Then never answered it again.
So, I have no one's number.
If you would please text me your name so I can input it on the celly I'm borrowing. If you don't have my number, message me and I'll remedy that.
Thank you and have a nice day.
|Tuesday, January 12th, 2010|
My girlfriend is hot! Pro homo! *fist bump* I've taken it upon myself to spread this to counteract this whole "no homo" nonsense.
Also, looking for a roomie, one possibility so far. She has yet to see the apartment and how small the room is. She said she'd like to move in asap. She also said that it would only be for 4 months, but that might be enough time for me get caught up on bills and my credit card debt that has yet to recover last years cash advance to pay for rent(s).
Got my snow boots back from Mark's place, I had a fear that I threw them away. If it's not too cold this weekend, I'd like to go play in the snow.
Ever since I went shopping for more professional looking clothes (which are 2 sizes bigger since the last time I went shopping) for my new job, I've felt really fat. I'm not up to obese level or anything, but damn, haven't been this big in forever. But I have an elliptical to help my body get back into shape.
Speaking of new job, it's only been orientation and 2 days worth of computer training, but I have good vibes for this place. It's paying $6 less than my last job, but in the end, all the training they'll give me for free, plus help on finding/applying for scholarships and paid hours for when you're in classes, will make up for that fact. 99.98% of the people I've met there have been awesome. We had a job shadowing day last friday and it seemed like everyone was laid back, got along great, and no drama.
So far I know of 2 other pro homo peeps working for the company, and I know one person hasn't had any problems. I'm pretty sure the other person is very out, but I don't know them personally, but I saw them at the place at least a year back. I'd like to assume that since they've stayed that long, that they too haven't had any problems.
I keep waiting for someone to ask me if I'm married, engaged, have a boyfriend. I've pondered getting some pride jewelry to subtly come out. I'd wear my bi-pride necklace, but 90% of glbt don't even know it stands for bi-pride :P
Gonna hang out with my friend Brian tomorrow. We're gonna jam. He said he can teach me some things on the guitar. Might jump start me to practice again. Maybe even try to write a song or 30.
Anymore, like most other peeps, I've gone the way of using facebook and myspace. If you don't have me added on there, you can reach me at http://www.facebook.com/cinnabonbon
I try to vary it up on each page, though there will be some synchronized updates. This entry is only for lj since it's been awhile since I've done that.
Hope you all are doing well. I'm doing all right. Still missing my mom, but I'm getting through each day well enough. Off to listen to some music, read some ye ol Clan of the Cave Bear, and hopefully fall asleep at a decent hour tonight.
Much love eljay peeps,
|Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009|
|Monday, December 14th, 2009|
|Wednesday, November 18th, 2009|
|Friday, November 13th, 2009|
|Wednesday, October 21st, 2009|
|Wednesday, October 14th, 2009|
|Thursday, September 17th, 2009|
|Thursday, September 10th, 2009|
|Tuesday, September 1st, 2009|
|Tuesday, August 25th, 2009|
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” — Mark Twain Current Mood: accomplished
TODAY I WENT A-SAILING
AND WHILE I WAS NOT GOING A-WHALING
I INSTEAD FOUND ETERNAL BLISS
WITH JUST ONE KISS
EXCEPT THAT’S A LIE
BECAUSE THEN I ATE PIE
AND THEN I REALIZED THAT FOOD MAKES ME JOYFUL
SO MUCH MORE THAN BOY….FUL.
roses are red, violets are blue, i like spaghetti, lets go fuck
roses are red rainclouds are gray, you gave me herpes, have a nice day
roses are red, violets are blue, im not doing anything how about you?
roses are red violets are blue please flush the toilet after you poo
There are approximately 350 "squirts" of a cow's udders in a gallon of milk.
People who are lying tend to look up and to the left.
The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. -- H. L. Mencken
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man`s oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
*shrug* stuff I thought was amusing has been collecting for a bit.
Went to Tucson, it was hot. Got to see a few members of my family. Been reading my new books, they're funny. It's nice to escape in those books, it's nice to smile for a bit.
I'm pretty mopey and anti-social right now. Current lull in my emotional rollercoaster. I sometimes fear at times I'm bi-polar, but I think all this brain activity is normal with what is going and colliding in my life. I think my brain got pulled in so many directions last night that it just shut down. *shrug* After a few days of not being able to be alone, I'm digging this quali-me time.
So I'm going through my mp3 collection and making sure everything is labeled correctly so it shows up as the right thing when I put it in my ipod. I can't stand it when there's 5 different menus for one artist cause there's one tiny variation in the name. I don't have ocd or anything, I just like to have things organized.
My new sheets are the bomb.
I officially came out to my brother this weekend. He already knew, but it was good to say it out loud.
Yeah I'm pretty sure my brain is a little broken right now. Those last paragraphs are all over the place. *shrug*
Just dunno what direction to head right now. So many options.
I want to deal with my moms health issues, but I just haven't really.
I want to be as happy as I can be, but don't feel I have the energy right now.
I want to laugh and play some comedy, but have yet to put some on, maybe I will.
I want to mope and just stare at the ceiling, but it's not going to help anything I don't think.
I want to cry, but since that little bit of leak at the hospital I think I shut that off a little too hard.
I want to cuddle with someone and have them run their fingers through my hair telling me everything will be ok, but I'm too selfish and want to be alone more than anything right now.
I want to go back to AZ and spend more time with my mom, can't afford to and she needs her rest anyway.
I want to read, watch a movie, listen to music, dance, watch my laser stars, cuddle, be alone, organize, be lazy, work, go for a drive, run, yell, sing, cry, stare at the wall, camp, disappear, be broccoli, clean, etc etc.
I'll choose one or three of these things after I post this.
And you should go out and do something that makes you happy. If not for yourself, do it for me.